Fast Forward

I felt like You wanted me to come and talk to You tonight. I actually have felt like You have wanted me to come talk to You the last couple of nights. I mean… I didn’t sleep last night. That should have been a clue… but I am dense and rebellious. And You are patient and kind. So tonight, I stopped long enough to hear you. I felt like what was happening was like in fast forward. Everything was happening so quickly. I know that I will remember what you want me to.

I started out on an operating table. I was naked, vulnerable. You were changing my eyes. You were changing my ears. And then you cut open my mind. And You went into it. We were together in my yellow field at sunset with wheat. It was that perfect time of day where the sun is setting and everything is glowing. You, Jesus, and I were sitting in the field. We were both in white. I was like a child, but I had my mind and my life. But I  looked like little me.

I didn’t know that this was really a vision. I had just seen a crazy movie so I thought I was just imaging things. You said, “Would you stay here with me even if I didn’t show you anything today?”

“OF COURSE!” I exclaimed in instant reaction. I just wanna be where he is. And I meant it. I wasn’t expecting to see anything crazy tonight. I thought you just wanted to talk or just wanted to hang out. Which is what I think we are doing. I mean… it is kind of an odd concept to hang out with you. It’s not like we can go out to dinner… I mean, we can, but you get what I am saying. So I guess this place, this field is where we meet. I guess this is the beginning of my secret garden.

Getting off track… as soon as I told you that I would stay here with you even if it was just to talk and hang out, I felt like we went into fast forward.

I looked over my shoulder and I saw a burnt field. The fire wasn’t still raging but the fire has not gone out. It was glowing orange from the embers that were still active. You were standing next to me with your arm around me. I was an adult this time. I knew in my spirit what was in front of me. I was looking at the fires that had ragged against the secret place. I knew that this was the remnant of my party days, my poor decisions, the rooted and deep wounds that still lie dormant in my life but alive and well in my day-to-day actions without even knowing it.

You told me that this part of the field had not been healed yet. There was still fire here that could rage if I would like it to… If I chose to feed it. You turned my head to look to my side and I saw a friend from my past that I haven’t seen or spoken to  in years. It was someone who hurt me deeply but the wound had been healed. When I saw him, I smiled. I thought of all the good times, the laughter, and the joy he brought to my life… if even for a season. He was standing in my field, where there was life and green. You told me it is because I have allowed you to heal these memories and redeem them.

I continued to look around the field, and there was friend after friend with Jesus standing right next to them. They were all standing in my field. These are the people that help feed my field. Jesus was showing me that He was there, working for the good, working for things to be life giving instead of life taking… even if maybe it felt more like the latter sometimes.

I looked back at my fire… barely blazing but still could overtake my beautiful field with one bad wind. You knew what I was thinking…. how do I put this out?? Just then, a curtain of blood came out of the sky, and covered all the people in my field, and the burning part of the field. Everything for a moment was covered in the blood. And then, it was just me and Jesus and the field had returned to it’s original state.

You looked at me and I felt like you said to my spirit, “You don’t fix it with water, You fix it with blood, my blood. You stay here with me. You stay in this place with me. You keep your eyes focused on me and I will take care of the rest. Just stay here with me.”

And Holy Spirit came to dance with me. While Jesus walked around the field, praying. I was dancing with the Holy Spirit and You are the only partner that I can’t control… I have to let you lead. I was dancing above the ground with You. It was choreographed as long as I choose to let go, let control go, let the ideas that I have of You go. You were helping me let go of the god I created when my fear has contained you.

When our dance was ending, I saw a small flower in my field, a white daisy. It was small, it was alone, it was in a field of wheat. I was a child again, and I cupped my hands around the little daisy, so happy to see it in this field, finding such joy in it. Jesus and Holy Spirit led me away from it, to not let my hands contain its size. As I stepped backwards, the daisy began to grow into an enormous white peony straight out of Alice and Wonderland. We laughed with such joy as it grew right before our eyes. It sprouted up… but only as I followed Jesus and Holy Spirit and let it bloom as they saw fit, not let it stay in the smallness of my hands.

You told me that I never know how big something can grow if I try to keep it in my hands. If I let You have it, then it can be beyond what I know now. It could end up being your favorite. You both put your arms around my shoulders and we walked towards the horizon. I knew that the embers were still there, burning. but I knew that you would take care of it.

I didn’t have to stare at it–my burning field, my poor choices, my lost chances, my depravity; I just had to stare at you.

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