Take a minute to listen to this:
I am not in a hurry. I am starting to notice You are speaking. I am learning to just rest in Your presence. I just want to rest in your presence. Maybe that is what this is all about. Maybe I am supposed to be writing to you… not to anyone else. Just you and me.
I want to rest in this place. I want to be ok with waiting longer than I ever wanted to for my life to begin. I want to squirm out of this hedge you have so kindly closed me into. At my core, I need to believe that You are God and that You are Good. It doesn’t matter how I feel about my day or how shitty things are going right now. I need to know you are Good. I need to know that You aren’t just good… but You ARE good.
You are the reason for all things good. You are the reason for beauty, and sound, and the worship that fills these pitiful little headphones. You are worthy to be praised because You are worth it. You are worthy of all of my attention, all of my praise, all of my time, all of my talent, all of my brain, and everything in between.
Maybe this isn’t about one more person talking about their journey. Maybe this isn’t about creating something that is relatable and understandable that anyone, especially those other fat girls, can come across and not feel so alone. But You know that there are tons of sites out there like that. Maybe I just write to You. Speak to You. Worship You. And see how document the relationship.
I know that is all you want from me. You really just want to talk to me. You want me to sit down at this keyboard and just talk to you… even when I feel like I have nothing to say. You want to see life through my eyes; because, beyond all of my comprehension, You love to know what I think. It is beyond my understanding to even believe that You would want to know what I am thinking, much less love it.
Somewhere along the line, we forgot that You like us, that You want to spend time with us. We forgot that You are good. You aren’t just a good God (although You are), You ARE Good. You are all the things. All goodness comes from You even though we lack faith, and belief, and patience. You are the good. You are all the good that I see in the world. You are the love I feel for my husband. You are the beauty of the sunset on the ocean. You are a field of wild flowers. You are the laughter of a child. You are a song that moves my heart. You are the sunshine. You are all the good. The great mystery… I am that I am.
Knowing that I trust You, that I love You, that I believe that You are Good… why do I have that hesitation that keeps me on the edge of this cliff? What do what I know in my head fails in comparison to what Holy Spirit lets my heart believe? How, seriously how, do I reconcile this difference? How can I trust a heart that lies and discard a mind that has so much damn logic?
Breathe in. Breathe out.
I am not in a hurry. I am not going anywhere. I am waiting here for You. As long as You want to take… As long as You want me to sit in this chair… As long as You want me to sit and stare at this computer screen… even if words elude me (although, obviously not so much)… I am here. I will keep my feet planted until You move them.
You are Good.
You are Good.
You, oh God, are Good.
In all things… You are Good.
I may not believe this deep down, in the darkest part of my heart, in the part of my that i pretend does not exist. But I know that it does… and knowing that it is no longer hiding, that I can see that seed of doubt that keeps me from getting closer to You and walking into my destiny, it is a place of love.
My heart and my head are in opposition… and even that is a work of the enemy. To believe that I would have to choose one is bullshit. You are knowledge. You are love. You are good.
“So many believe that it is love that grows, but it is the knowing that grows and love simply expands to contain it.”
― William Paul Young,